Here you will find some bird-related jokes and cartoons for your enjoyment. Please send anything about birds or birding that you think is funny to the webmaster Beverly Saltonstall. Please be sensitive to others' tastes when using "off-color" humor. Good judgment is needed. The webmaster reserves the right to edit or refuse objectionable material for this portion of the website. Enjoy!
Printed in the News-Press
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be the boss!
Submitted by Is Gotti
* * * * *
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?," she asked the pet store owner as she went to pay for the bird. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Bob, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Bob."
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Meredith Viera. Meredith: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready? Pam: "Yes." Meredith: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
a) Robin,
b) Sparrow,
c) Cuckoo,
d) Thrush."
Pam: "I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello. . . ." Meredith: "Hello Carol, it's Meredith Viera from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's...." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
a) Robin,
b) Sparrow,
c) Cuckoo,
d) Thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I'm sure." Meredith:
"Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for
the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with c)
Cuckoo". Meredith: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes." Meredith: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." Meredith:
"You said c) Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations,
you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!" To celebrate,
Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town.
As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell
me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build
its own nest?" "Pam, it was easy. Everybody knows that
a Cuckoo lives in a clock!"
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me, too. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK" said the first, and they plopped down basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. The younger man had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. . . . The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.....The younger man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without hesitation or batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Two vultures were getting on a plane and each were carrying two dead raccoons, one under each wing. The flight attendant stopped them and said "I'm sorry, but you're only allowed one carrion. . . ."
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while, in the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow. The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn. . . ." The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-course. "Please, Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
A drunk is driving with his parrot through
the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have you been?" "I've been to the pub,"
slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says
the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "He
did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did
you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A little bird was walking along the road one day, and all of a sudden, a vulture jumps out of the bushes, grabs the little bird, pulls it into the bushes and has its way with the little bird. When all is said and done, the little bird comes out of the bushes merrily singing "I'm a dove, and I've been loved".
A little while later, another bird comes down the road, and the same vulture jumps out and grabs it and takes it into the bushes. When all is said and done, the bird comes out of the bushes happily singing "I'm a finch, and I've been pinched".
Another bird comes along, the vulture comes out, and when all is said and done, that bird comes out of the bushes happily singing "I'm a tern, and you should see what I've learned".
Then along comes a duck. The vulture comes
out, grabs the duck and heads for the bushes. After much commotion,
the duck comes out singing "There's been a mistake, I'm a
drake".
Have you heard about the venereal disease common
among birds? It's called "Chirpies", and the worst thing
about it is that it's untweetable.
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working,
so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an
evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day,
she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the
check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother
you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk
to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's
apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest
looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said,
the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go
about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the
parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot
replied: "Get him, Brutus!
* * * * *
"I promise. That bird is so well behaved, you can take it anywhere," the pet store owner assured the woman. Delighted, she took her parrot to church. Things were great until, halfway through the sermon, the bird blurted, "It's *&#% cold in here!" Embarrassed, the woman ran out and went to the pet store.
"This 'good bird' swore in church today," she told the shop owner. "I'm sorry. It sometimes does that in new environments," he explained. "Next time, grab its feet and swing it over your head a few times. That should stop it." The next week the woman and the parrot were in church when the parrot yelled, It's *&#% cold in here!" Quickly the woman grabbed the bird and swung it over her head six times. Then she put the bird back on her shoulder and sat down. "Damn," the bird said. "It's windy too."
From the May 2005 issue of Readers Digest.
Home Page / 2007-2008 Field Trip & Meeting Schedule/ 2007-2008 Field Trip Results / Field Trip Archives /
Local Birding Hot Spots / Members Photos / Official Checklist of Florida Birds
Florida Bird Discussion Groups / Florida Rare Bird Alert / Book Reviews / Birds & Birding Humor/ Club History
Florida Bird Songs / Wings Over Florida Program / Florida Breeding Bird Atlas
Christmas Bird Count / Links to Other Florida Birding Websites / Contact Info / CBC Members in the News